well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
