i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
