oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
