"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
