That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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