The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
