Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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