i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
