she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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