i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
