Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
