YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
