sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
