Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you win again, gameday.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
