Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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