He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
