I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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