it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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