CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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