I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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