On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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