Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
