woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Someone signed my nipple.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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