He uses pillows to masturbate.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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