eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dick very happy bro
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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