I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
