just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
