Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
