im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
