I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
