I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
