I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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