Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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