apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
