what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
