We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
