Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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