My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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