There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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