He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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