You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
