I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
