There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
