why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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