we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
