I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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