Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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