I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
