I got chris browned last night
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
