She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
